The F is silent.

I made a joke today,
my name is fox but all the letters
are silent, I'm like a ninja that way
and you can't take away
what you cannot pronounce,
and that's what I do use verbal Juditsu,
to pounce upon your every ounce of
trying to get out the mountains of

NO.

You ask the universe for some kind of curse,
for a word that started all the fire we burn, but of course
there aren't enough words to shake the feeling of misbelieving,
and thinking somehow, not to be lowbrow,
but the constant denominator is knowing how to name her,
and seeking a wisdom that isn't there, as much as you want to care,
and I am there with you but we don't see the same magic,
a trajic misdefinition of terms, and I will go to hell over this.

YES.

Think what you might and smite what you will,
but will is not strong enough to take the truth from the lies,
the ones I hear every day and try to make sense of,
in spite of my sense of order, disorder, and pretty faces
looking up toward me and asking if they can afford me,
and living a life of knowing the opposite of what you hold
so dear and all the apostiles will nod and beg forgiveness
that you can't grant them because you still believe them.

Hibernation

The State of Sleep, the genetic off switch which bears and fuzzy humans sometimes do, it's not like we have a choice, but the cold, the rain, the wind, the miserability of weather informs us that we should either put up or shut up, and our bodies tell us to shut up, and get as close to death as possible.

Yesterday - no, it was today... wait... some indefinite time ago a guy said that it is 10 days until March, and spring. So much about that I would love to believe, but I cannot.

I have lost my sense of time, and so too has my housemate Natasha,  the other day she asked me what day it is, and I blithly said "Tuesday". She thought for a moment, and said "It's not Tuesday, come on, really what day is it?" Not to belabor the point I had a one in seven chance of being right about the answer, and darn my luck, or lack of a smartphone, I was wrong.

The other day... er, night... I mean, some indeterminate time ago, I did a bad thing. Nothing evil, or that I could get in trouble over... but something that I feel terrible about, because this is the second time I've done this, and once was one time too many.

I told a lovely, beautiful, sparkily happy girl that God doesn't exist. I might have just as well told her that Santa Claws doesn't exist. She told me that this is just 'my opinion', and I know the treachery of trying to argue with the blessed, the comfortably numb, the sheep among us, and as soon as I realized what I was doing, saying, taking away from her, I felt bad.

Part of it is that I feel superior in knowing something they don't - that is, I know a reality where there is no safety net, there is no God that loves us so, there's no mommy, daddy, we are utterly alone and stuck  in a blender that just makes us go round and round, while we think we are 'in the mix' no we aren't and I know that... but that feeling of superiority goes away fast when you look down into big watery eyes that just beg for some reason of being, and please don't hurt me, I'm so happy believing in what I believe in, don't crush it!

I want to tell the truth. I want to say what is right. If you give me an equasion, I can run the numbers and prove this or that, find THE answer, but when it comes to opinion, and when someone tells me that it's just my OPINION that 1+1=2 and I don't really KNOW it for sure, I get upset. I didn't take it out on the dear girl, I let it stand that yes, it is just my opinion and I will keep my mind open.

My mind has been opened, and fucked with, and I am seriously okay, and know real from unreal, play from truth, blue skies from pain, and know that I have chosen a walk on part in the world, as opposed to a lead role in a cage (thank you Pink Floyd). This doesn't disillusion me at all, the lack of meaning doesn't bother me, hell, I'd rather know that there IS no answer than live my life thinking I have an answer and having it be wrong. That would be bad. That would be misleading, decieving, and that is why I felt so bad about what I said to this young girl... I had to say to her that I am wrong, when the rest of the universe tells me I'm right.

The pope resigned this week too.. I think it was this week... let's just say it was an indeterminate time ago, but yah, we've been depoped, there's a papal hole in the firmerment,  and now that he's resigned we can go back to calling him Cardinal RRRRAAATTZZZINGER!!! Say it loud, and roll the R's, it sounds so evil! He's not evil, just a placeholder, just another pawn, with a very good retirement package. But what he stands for, stood for, sat for, pontificated over, and tried to keep us steadfast in, is pure rot, sodomy, and gamoresh, a lassiez faire of breach of trust, sex, lies and scandal that frankly, he's admitted he's too old and tired to deal with. Smart of him to get out while there's been no actual damage done. Of course, we don't know that, but we'd like to believe, right? Wouldn't we? Please?


Please.

So two things I will never discuss again; religion, and politics. No, I didn't say anything about politics, and that's for one good reason. It's as bad as religion, just as volitile, and enough to melt the last few brain particles I have trying to shed any sense of truth to the matter.

Just say you love me, and lets leave it at that.